The following blog was written for a therapist looking to present expertise and build client traffic to her website. Her practice appears on first page search results organically for therapists in her region!

Cultivating Your Relationship: Would You Say That to a Friend?

We often forget that our mental health as an individual has a huge amount to do with the health of our relationship. In other words, you can read all the relationship advice you want, but if your self-care doesn’t change, you may not affect the changes that you want in your relationship, either.

In this vein, one simple way of cultivating your relationship is to examine your self-talk… And how that translates into conversations with your partner. The key question here is “Would you say that to a friend?”

Why Self-Talk Matters

To put it simply, self-talk is like the scaffolding from which you build your interior world: your personality, emotions, thought patterns, and emotional well-being. It’s probably oversimplification to say “Just change that, and everything else will follow!” On the other hand, it certainly doesn’t help to shower yourself in criticism and hurtful judgments day in and out.

This is the crux of asking “Would you say that to a friend?” If you followed your friend around all day telling them things like “You did a bad job on that, you should be ashamed of yourself” every time they didn’t do something perfectly, what do you think their mood would be?

And if you observe this in yourself, what sort of mood follows?

Will the Perfect Person in the Room Please Stand Up?

Consciously managing your self-talk is one way to deal with the fact that we’re not perfect. None of us. In fact, if I tell you that you’re allowed to make mistakes in your life, how surprised do you feel on a scale of 1-10? How much do you believe that you can make mistakes and still be okay overall?

Let’s take an example of a frequent, everyday mistake: being late to an appointment. As you rush to get to your car, your thoughts tangle up in your noggin: “This person is going to think I don’t respect their time. I’m a bad person. I’m never going to get things right.” By the time you get to the appointment, you snap at the neutral receptionist when she asks what time it was. “More evidence that I’m a bad person,” you add.

So, what if your friend had called you on the road and told you about their struggle to be on time? Would you support them by saying “Well, it’s all your fault, you know. You’re too dumb to maintain a schedule like an adult, and you don’t deserve success anyway.” Harsh, right?

And this reaction is almost laughably unthinkable. You would probably tell a stressed friend something like, “I’m sorry your morning has sucked, and I hope it gets better.” You would offer them emotional support, because that will help the situation far more than criticism.

So, can you offer that support to yourself?

And if you’re accustomed to criticizing yourself, can you start noticing when you react to yourself that way? Would it be possible to pause, take a breath, and try to reset? How would you feel if you offered yourself a little grace?

Bringing Constructive Self-Talk into Your Relationship

This extends to your partner, as well. Two imperfect people in an imperfect relationship benefit greatly from giving each other grace.

This doesn’t mean that you change your core message or sweep things under the rug about how you really feel. But it does often mean rephrasing things using the “Would you say that to a friend?” check.

Cultivating your relationship with a habit of (sincere) positive talk between partners can go a long way toward knitting a safety net. It’s like putting emotional savings in the bank for the tough times.

Of course, keeping your exchanges in that space can be difficult when deeper issues are at play. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help from a professional counselor to untangle the foundational knots in your relationship. Sometimes the first spark of positive self-talk will come from the unconditional support of someone outside yourself and your relationship.

Low Expectations, High Standards: A Surprising Equation for a Happy Marriage

As an Imago therapist, I often work with couples who feel stuck, disconnected, or dissatisfied with their marriage. Why does this happen? One common issue that can arise in relationships is a mismatch between expectations and standards – and you may be surprised to hear that it’s beneficial to have high standards in a relationship.

Some people maintain low standards for their relationship, while others’ expectations are too difficult to meet. In fact, many have that exact combination, which can be a recipe for dissatisfaction. In fact, research has shown that the equation for a happy marriage is combining low expectations and high standards.

What exactly does that mean?

Explaining Low Standards and High Expectations

At first glance, these two words – “standards” and “expectations” – can seem synonymous. But, in fact, they are talking about two very different things.

Essentially, low standards mean that you allow people to treat you poorly. You accept bad behavior by allowing it into your life while not doing anything about it.

On the flip side, high expectations mean that you want and expect to be treated well. We expect our partner to fulfill all of our needs and desires, to be our best friend, our soulmate, our confidant, and our lover. We expect them to always be there for us, to never let us down, and to make us happy.

You can probably already see the problem here. If your standards are low (allowing people to treat you poorly) but your expectations are high (expecting good treatment), you are almost guaranteed to be disappointed.

What’s the solution? Reverse that equation.

Set Your Standards High and Your Expectations Low

Standards are the values, behaviors, and qualities that we require from ourselves and our partner. They are the foundation of a healthy relationship, and – when you marry your actions to your standards – they help you to grow and improve as individuals and as a couple.

Remember, having low standards means accepting your partner’s bad behavior. Having high standards, then, is refusing to stand for that.

If your significant other does something you don’t like, having high standards means calling them on it and letting them know it is not acceptable. Then working with them to come up with a plan so they do not repeat that behavior.

This can actually improve your relationship, since your partner will see that you value yourself. Often, this makes someone more likely to treat you with respect and kindness.

Where do expectations fit in?

At their most basic, they are our uncommunicated desires. Because of this, when we have high expectations in our marriage, we set ourselves up for disappointment.

It makes sense if you think about it. If you’re expecting specific behavior from your partner but not communicating that, how can they possibly engage in that behavior? Those high expectations will leave you feeling let down and frustrated, and you may even start to question whether you made the right choice in your partner.

Low expectations, on the other hand, mean not expecting your partner to fulfill every need and desire. Understanding that they are human and will make mistakes. Being more forgiving of their shortcomings and more grateful for their strengths.

Combining Low Expectations and High Standards

So, how do you balance low expectations and high standards in your marriage?

It starts with communication. Share your standards with your partner – and make sure that you live up to those standards, as well.

And when either of you don’t, be forgiving and understanding. But don’t just ignore the issue – talk it out and come up with a plan to get better.

You’re both human, and you’re going to make mistakes. Partnership means approaching your relationship with a sense of curiosity and openness, appreciating each other’s strengths, and finding ways to support each other’s growth and development.

By approaching your relationship with a sense of realism and acceptance, and by setting high standards for yourself and your partner, you can create a strong foundation for a healthy and fulfilling partnership.

This blog was written for a B2B esthetician client who needed relevant, informative content for their email newsletters.

What Is Your Spa or Esty Office Doing to Promote Skin Cancer Awareness?

Skin Cancer Awareness Month shines a light on skin care, and in this business, the discussion comes at the perfect time of year — just when your clients begin thinking about short flights to long weekends on the beach.

Fortunately, gone are the days when a sunburn was considered “a healthy glow.” Furthermore, our clientele now have years of education on the most common causes of skin cancer.

While this makes our jobs a little easier, it’s still such an important conversation to have while your clients are in the chair. The breakdown for many spa and esty patrons lies in the development of a real and regular prevention routine.

This is right where you can snag one more opportunity to drive home this message of skin protection… and your business stands to benefit in return. Here are a few ideas for how.

Help Clients Prepare While They’re in Your Chair

No matter how careful we are, most of us sustain some damage from the sun consistently. And no skin regimen offers 100-percent protection. Besides the very real cancer-related concerns, these gaps can lead to dark spots, wrinkles, and uneven skin texture.

Talk to your clients while they’re seated with you about the skin damage you see and remind them what it can lead to. Then offer the remedies to repair and protect their skin as well as to enhance their skin’s overall appearance.

How about you create a Limited Time Offer near the end of Skin Cancer Awareness Month based on one of the specialized Summer facials or peels discussed at NewMed Concepts’ Motivational Monday webinar on May 3rd?

Or if you already have certain high-revenue solutions proven to renew skin damaged by exposure, that will work too! But remember to make recommendations for protecting clients’ skin on that next trip to the beach as well.

Send Home Protection for Clients’ Fun in the Sun

Coach your clients to cover themselves when they are enjoying the outdoors. Provide suggestions for key SPF products like IMAGE Skincare’s PREVENTION+ daily moisturizer. Even the RONERT MD restoring lip collagen enhancer comes in SPF 15.

But the fun doesn’t have to stop there. Clothing and hats have come a long way in protecting from UV rays. So maybe take advantage of the trend and apply your brand logo tastefully to a few fun-in-the-sun items?

Sunglasses
Wide-brim hats
Bandanas (to tie around often-burnt necks)

They could be utilized as giveaways to clients in a variety of promotion types, or could possibly serve as an altogether new revenue stream throughout the summer.

Or even a branded tote back with a handful of samples of your favorite make-up, moisturizers, and lotions containing SPF. The possibilities are endless!

Invite Them to Book an Appointment Now for After Their Trip

A great way to keep up the momentum beyond Skin Cancer Awareness Month is to encourage clients who intend to travel after their appointments with you in May to book a follow up visit for another skin repair treatment.

Perhaps there’s an incentive with pre-booking that after-care appointment? You could provide a sample size of IMAGE AGELESS total repair creme to use while they are on vacation. Or offer a discount on their follow-up treatment.

Education and Empowerment with NewMed Concepts

Ultimately, skin cancer awareness is something that is just as important today as when the first big efforts were made to fight it in the late 1970s.

So while at this point, we do have the challenge of message fatigue, pairing the statistic with fresh promotions and actionable items will go a long way to instill good prevention habits in your clients.

For more help developing exciting ways to educate and empower your clients in actively protecting themselves from skin cancer, send us a message!

This blog was written to educate and attract potential clients to a relationship counseling center in Austin led by a well-known Gottman therapist. Her expert standing added the challenging of needing to uphold a particular level of research and academic quality.

Strengthen Your Relationship: Throw Your Own “Parade”!

Many families work the “What are you thankful for?” conversation into their annual holiday meals, with answers ranging from groans to jokes to earnest sharing – and responses from the family running a similar gamut, hopefully in the supportive vein.

Though it may seem hokey, psychological research conducted by Shelly L. Gable and Harry T. Reis gives reason to believe that sharing good news is just as important to your close relationships as supporting each other through the hard times – in fact, doing this arguably easier and more pleasant work in your close relationships can strengthen bonds and lighten the tough times!

Let’s get into the specifics of Gable and Reis’s findings, as well as how you can apply that in your own relationships – especially, as is probably on your mind, your primary relationship with an intimate partner.

Negative & Positive Emotion

Gable and Reis point out that, over time, psychology research has tilted largely toward how people handle negative events. Perhaps this is because psychological research and therapy has early roots in assessment and therapy meant to locate and eliminate psychological disorders and also falls in line with the medical view of human functioning which is diagnosis and treatment focused. This led to a rather skewed perspective on human experience, orienting towards problems and solutions and taking action to alleviate acute human suffering by focusing on it. Since the turn of the century, there has been a shift towards researching and writing about human flourishing, positive psychology, and what makes us humans thrive and grow.

Hand-in-hand with this imbalance in research, Gable as well as other researchers note that different parts of the brain and nervous system regulate positive versus negative emotions – that is, managing one does not necessarily affect the other, and researching one does not necessarily illuminate the other.

The research of Barbara Fredrickson and The Gottmans has shown that a focus on positive moments and experiences has a protective function for individuals and relationships. Our brains are wired to remember and selectively focus on negative experiences because they have survival value. However, intentionally focusing on the positive and rehearsing or practicing positive qualities such as gratitude, appreciation, positive emotions, and scanning the environment for what is going right can help us rise above or recover from negative experiences faster and better.

The Power of Capitalization

There is a psychological term for talking about positive things that happen to you; it’s called capitalization. You have likely experienced capitalization if you have ever felt so excited from good news that you just had to tell someone.

For example:

Reading an acceptance letter and running into the next room to tell your parents
Sharing that you’re officially dating someone with your friend group
Getting a promotion and calling your partner at your first free moment in the workday

You could say that these moments occur when happiness and pride bubble up, uncontained and we help regulate ourselves by sharing it with others. For larger events – like announcing a pregnancy or graduating from college – most societies have rituals for celebrating and showering enthusiastic wishes when these large events take place, such as “Congratulations! That’s so amazing! You did it!”

Gable and Reis’s 2010 research demonstrates that one does not need to wait for these large events to happen in order to celebrate with enthusiasm. Instead, they look at the importance of enthusiastic capitalization on small, positive events in close relationships.

What’s a “small, positive event”?

Cooking a satisfying meal (even better if it happens to photograph nicely!)
Beating your average runtime for a mile
Making a new friend at work
Getting a project done on time and feeling good about your contribution
Cleaning out the pantry or closet that was a chaotic mess

Gable and Reis point out the linchpin of their small moment capitalization findings: the positive impact of capitalization depends on the enthusiasm and emotional availability of the responder, along with the fact that the responder is a close person in your life, like a romantic partner, good friend, or trusted mentor, sibling, or parent-figure – meaning that it is someone who knows you well and you share a long time close relationship with them. If the large events of our lives are the foundations and pillars of relationships, these small interactions comprise the bricks and mortar, nuts and bolts. While we may not feel one missing bolt or one chipped brick, the accumulated lack of care, maintenance, or even damage make a difference in the stability and enjoyment of our relationships over time.

So, how can we be intentional about our approach to enthusiastically sharing good news in close relationships?

Breaking Down the Process

Gable and Reis have defined three parts to capitalization. While this might seem a bit mechanical for an interaction that should feel spontaneous, understanding these steps can help you not only understand why some moments generate positive outcomes in your relationships but also how to take advantage of small good news to generate and maintain a higher level of positive energy in your life. See if you can spot these three aspects next time you or a partner share something positive:

Capitalization Attempts: This is the actual sharing of the update, small or large. One conversational partner opens up about a favorable event in their life in a similar vein to Gottman’s bids for connection.
Responses to Attempts: The receiver of the news ideally responds in a positive, engaged way. The Gottmans found that you can respond to bids for connection by turning towards, turning away, or turning against. Within each type of response there are low level and high level responses. For example a low level turning towards response might be a simple acknowledgement or acceptance. It still counts as a “turning towards,” but it doesn’t add positive energy and increase closeness or provide the neuro-protective effects. Or the responder could give their full attention, show interest and curiosity, and respond with enthusiasm, energy or emotions and the turning towards response becomes a high level response. It increases the closeness, safety, and attunement within the relationship and produces positive effects that can last a longer time (the after-glow).
Perceived Availability of Capitalization Support: The sharer registers how the partner receives and reacts to their news, often unconsciously. This crafts their own mental framing of the event and their emotions toward the relationship, adding up in a particular direction over time. Similarly, the Gottman research found that if a bid is responded to enthusiastically, the chances that the partner will re-bid goes up by a significant percentage. So positive bids and turns lead to more positive bids and turns and create a feeling of attunement and togetherness.

As you can see, there are a few key moments where the process can take a downturn or an upturn. The sharing partner could fail to communicate clearly enough to help the listener understand the event’s importance. They could be timid or flat in their delivery, hiding their true happiness surrounding the event. The listening partner could also take this moment to give their partner valuable attention – or their inattentiveness might show.

Upward Spirals

You’ve likely heard of downward spirals – the proliferation of negative emotion psychology has helped make the term common. However the opposite is also true, upward spirals can also happen. One of the reasons the positive, high-energy version of the capitalization process works so well is its generative effect on upward spirals.

How so?

Research has shown that happiness has some correlation to success. A major factor seems to be “broad-minded coping” – in other words, when you generally feel content, you can more readily take a step back and gain perspective in unfavorable situations. This allows you to find multiple solutions to your problems, calling on all the mental, emotional, and social resources available.

We see the inverse in depression, in which problem-solving abilities are narrowed, leading to a cycle of negative emotions in response to unwanted events that seem to have no solutions.

When you make a capitalization attempt with higher energy and optimism, and your partner responds in kind, you both come away from that interaction with greater happiness, a warm after glow, and positive lasting effects inside both of your nervous systems. Step by step, you are helping send each other into upward spirals.

Drumroll… Practical Applications

So, how can we cultivate robust capitalization processes? And what does this mean for “real life”?

For one, if you didn’t already feel convinced to engage in self-care, here is persuasive evidence that it matters – your partner notices when you’re not able to show up emotionally. And you both feel the effects of each other’s emotional absence or presence.

This may be a lightbulb for you: What is “showing up”? What is emotional presence? How do I share myself with others? These are all essential questions to our relational lives. Many of us did not arrive in adulthood equipped with these skills at an organic level. We have to actively and consistently seek out professional psychological education or therapy to help us find healthy, adaptive answers to these questions.

Furthermore, you can use this process to troubleshoot relationships experiencing tension, especially the mysterious, “I can’t quite put my finger on it” kind. You may think the problem is some large and looming past mistake, but maybe you’re simply missing each other’s capitalization cues.

Parades vs. News Reports

I like to use two terms to facilitate healthy capitalization among couples and close relationships:

News Reports: Telling your partner the facts of a good thing that happened to you without sharing how it made you feel. The partner responds in kind, with emotions that amount to “Got it, information received.” That’s about as much fun as reading the financial headlines.
Parades: Telling your partner the facts of a favorable thing that happened to you and relaying how good it made you feel, with energy and openness. Conveying an update to your partner in this way sets the stage for them to respond with glowing enthusiasm and validation. You’re trading “good vibes” in the moment and learning more about each other for the long run.

Since a parade and a news report contrast so clearly, I hope this sticks as a reminder for you. Next time your partner shares something positive, however small, don’t let that moment go to waste. Instead, savor it with them and sprinkle in your unique brand of enthusiasm and kudos. Remember it costs very little to add positive energy to an interaction and there are many rewards that can accrue from this habit.

And coming back to this particular season, I’m sure you can see how this applies to the holidays now, too: as you sit around the table this holiday season recounting your blessings or things you are grateful for in your past year, bolster the goodwill of your gathering when someone shares good news. Throw them a parade!